


anthropophobia: the fear of people

by spacekiddgray



Category: DRAMAtical Murder - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Eventual Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Unhealthy Habits, clear is a precious bab, noiz is an asshole with a lot of issues, other warnings at the beginning of each chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-27
Updated: 2015-03-08
Packaged: 2018-03-03 19:55:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2885564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacekiddgray/pseuds/spacekiddgray
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>noiz hates everything, until he meets clear </p>
<p>also known as: the story where an asshole clips an angels wings and the angel kisses him as thanks</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. tragic asshole

**Author's Note:**

> content warning: mentions of suicide, mentions of self-hatred, mentions of death  
> this chapter has some of the worst stuff because its almost all about noiz   
> oops lmao

The thing about being able to say, ‘Under different circumstances, I would be different,’ was that it insinuated unhappiness in several ways. Unhappiness with their previous circumstances, unhappiness with those who created such circumstances, and unhappiness because of the thoughts that they won’t be able to handle future circumstances that could then make them different. It is quite easy for most people to say that they were unhappy with how they had grown up. It was much different when a person said that they hated who they grew up to be.

Noiz liked to insist that he was not lonely, not empty, and not hopeless. But, sometimes he was forced to realize that he had no one to convince and he had no reason to convince them because he _was_ all alone, empty, and hopeless. Trapped by the restrictions his mind, Noiz was in a cycle of eating the same five things all day, staying on his laptop, and sleeping at irregular times. Each time he would go out, it felt like there was an elastic around his waist and it felt like a struggle to go much farther than a mile away from his shitty apartment. There was a pizza place across the street. He could talk to people online. He could become some kind of programmer if he ever had to. He was fine. He had convinced himself of that, and slowly he was letting his own thoughts destroy him.

He didn’t quite look healthy, either. No one wanted to mention it when he was in public, fearing that they might just be being rude. Maybe it was just all the piercings, or maybe his eyes naturally looked that dead? But, no one had seen him eat anything healthy for as long as they knew of him living there. As natural, he was malnourished. He said that the tiredness was normal, though. Malnourishment and depression were a horrible mix. It was almost like a game. Which would kill him first? Dying painfully from diseases as his body shut down, or a gun in his mouth?

Sometimes, he made it to the grocery store. He typically bought frozen dinners because he didn’t know how to cook and he felt too tired to even shower sometimes, so how would he ever have the energy to learn something new? At least the frozen dinners gave him a few vital vitamins, but this was a rare occurrence. Three times a year, tops. Usually when he got back home after an expedition to the grocery store, he had to just lie down for a few hours and catch his breath. Maybe he had anthropophobia? There was no medication to cure him. But he could at least get brief sympathy from those who still read obituaries.

There was a lot of ways a person could call Noiz ‘tragic’. His parents didn’t even call anymore. He had only been gone for a few years. Then again, he had left on horrible terms… In other words, he had not only convinced himself that he was fine, but also that everything that had lead up to him being this fucking mess was his fault. Somehow he could have made it better. If he had just done this, it would all be better now. He wouldn’t hurt at the sight of a group of people. He would be able to leave his house just fine.

That was all tragic and all, but that was dark of his personality. There was the disgusting meat inside of him, and then there was his shining, pristine cover, which people saw most of. What people saw was a slightly more accepted, polished and cleaned version of himself. And that version of himself was an asshole. He was sarcastic and rude, and he cut people off and was short with them when they had done nothing wrong. He glared at everyone for no reason and he didn’t say please and thank you, and the worst of all of it was that he didn’t feel sorry for a thing he had done. He loved being an asshole, and people knew that.

He was an asshole who was scared of people and only left his house when his fridge was empty. He had no job and lived off of his inheritance, and everyone that knew him hated his life. Including himself.

His favorite thing to do was to sleep. Most days, however, he got restless when he stayed in bed for too long. When he woke up, he was up, and he didn’t go back to sleep until he passed out. This particular morning, he had woken up at the horrible hour of seven a.m. He groaned softly in displeasure, unhappy that he had been woken from his good dreams. It wasn’t very common that he had good dreams, so when he did, it made waking up an even greater disappointment. He stretched out his back and his legs as much as he could before slowly pushing himself up into a sitting position. He looked around his room groggily, letting out a sigh before he got up to get himself together. He had to grocery shop today. Less people were out a seven a.m., at least.

He had to search to find clean clothes, and that inspired him to start a load of laundry before he headed towards the door. Deep breathing and self deprecating thoughts as he unlocked the door, and crushing anxiety as he stepped outside. Each step he took, he forced himself to become numb. It was better like this. He stared straight in front of him, occasionally letting himself stare at his shoes so he could catch his breath.

The fear of people was a strange fear that even he didn’t understand. He had just thought it sounded fitting. He had no idea of how to cure it besides forcing himself to stop feeling, but that was so _hard_. It was easy when he was outside and he had a reason to not seem like he felt like shit. But, when he was at home and in bed, there was a lot of dark thoughts and sometimes he wondered what it was like to be dead.

And as the word ‘dead’ resonated within his thoughts, he decided to stop thinking and focus on the sound of his footsteps. He was walking quickly. He really did want to just get this over with. He sighed again, shoving his hands in his pockets. He looked up at the sky and tried to remember how long he should inhale and exhale for.

He only took twenty minutes to get to the grocery store, and he was glad to have a cart to cling to and squeeze until he felt less stressed. It would probably hurt a lot if he could still feel things like that. When he was young, he had learned that it was nicer to not feel pain. At least, physically. Becoming a sociopath was much harder work.

The first place he went was to look at the fruits and vegetables. He was not an expert in this area and he hardly ever saw something that seemed like it was edible. If he ever did, it was fruit. He quickly moved onto the frozen food section and stocked up with things that looked good. He usually tried to check and see if there was vitamins in it or if there was protein, but even if it didn’t, he got it anyway. Then, just to look normal and since it was sometimes to reconnect with the world, he went to pick out a few magazines. Usually that’s where he got stuck. He spent at least twenty minutes there, reading about different things going on in the world, and he bought all of the magazines that looked interesting and headed to the checkout.

The checkout. The checkout was the most terrifying part. As simple, as insignificant, as harmless as the checkout seemed, Noiz was still scared to the core. People. He had to speak at least once. He had to smile and make eye contact. He had to _speak_. He was going to throw up, but he was also next in line and so he had to force the shaking hands to stop. He piled all of his groceries on the conveyor belt and let out another soft, shaky sigh. He wanted to go to bed. He’d never come out again. Until he had to, of course. He always had to come back out. He wanted to stop thinking how he did, he wanted to feel normal. The cashier was asking him if he wanted to pay with debit or credit. His throat was dry as he looked up.

 

“Debit,” he muttered, sliding his card with jerky movements.

 

And, before he looked away again, his eyes caught the cashier’s smile.

 

“You don’t seem to be having a good day. I hope that will change,” Noiz almost choked on how sincere the cashier sounded when he said that.

 

The cashier read how much his items were like everything was normal. Noiz supposed it was. But, something had made him feel a different kind of numb. Or, maybe he felt calm. He couldn’t tell. He murmured a, ‘have a good day, too’, before taking his bags and walking home. This time, it took forty minutes to get home. His fingertips were tingling, and he wanted to go back to bed.  

 

 


	2. Robotic Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the robot appears and noiz makes a plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: more mentions of self hatred, but much less intense than last time. in general, noiz is an emotional wreck on the inside.

Clear had never seen much sadness before, but that was only due to his innocent obliviousness. He was raised by a good man who took the time to show him the prettier side of the world, and once that man had died, Clear only had one way of looking through the world. He could only find great things in people, even though many of them had very few great things to find. He assumed that only a few people had many great things about them. No one had the heart to correct the way he thought. No one was indecent enough to ruin a perfect thing like Clear.

He lived as humanly as he could. Kind, sincere, sweet, and imperfect. That is how he wanted to be seen. Most people had more interesting adjectives attached along with their name. Cynical, distant, snarky, all of those other things. Those were so much more interesting than kind and sincere, but Clear was not looking to be seen as someone who was as deep and captivating as an ocean. Clear was looking to be seen as a friend; the true meaning of an open book. He was transparent by name, after all. Even if it sometimes made him seem like he wasn’t human, he was kind to everyone. He tried not to be sad in public. He did small things that made him seem like an angel in the eyes of many townsfolk. Clear didn’t mind being called an angel. They were much more human than robots.

He lived very uneventfully, with an apartment in the middle of town and a job in a commercial grocery store. He used his grandfather’s money to pay for his apartment, and the money he made was spent on local stores. He bought many shiny, pretty, small things to decorate his small home. Sometimes he sold the things he couldn’t find room for, but that always made him feel bad. His most treasured items were the things his grandfather gave him. Though, that wasn’t very obvious. He hid those things in a box under his bed, but not because he didn’t want people to see them. It’s because those things made his heart hurt in a very odd and unfamiliar way, and he didn’t like that. So, he only looked at them when he missed his grandfather.

Usually he woke up early. Androids only needed so much sleep. He woke up automatically once he was recharged, and then he got up and combed his hair and brushed his teeth. He didn’t eat breakfast. He hardly ever ate, unless he had enough money to go buy something really nice. He didn’t have enough money to buy food every week, and he liked to spend all of his money on other nice things. This morning, he woke up at six a.m. That meant he had to get up quickly, which was unusual. He didn’t mind it, though. Mornings were the most boring time of the day; most people were still asleep and the sunrise only lasted for so long.

His walk to the store was short, and he changed quickly before he was sent out to the cash registers. He liked being at the cash register the most. He got to talk to more people that way, and he didn’t have to be as careful as when he was stocking items or filling out how many things they needed to order. He was an android, yes, and he was technically a mathematical genius. But, he was also a technically broken android, and he hated numbers more than anything. He was oddly social. Maybe it was how his grandfather had reprogrammed him or maybe his A.I had picked it up, but it was a nice thing either way. It’s what made him more human than machine. It’s what separated him from his “brothers”.

It wasn’t ever busy until about nine in the morning. Usually, of course. Sometimes there was more people getting up early for whatever reason, and this particular morning was surprisingly active. He was kept busy with how many people there were, and most of them had things to talk about and smiled at him. Some people did look pretty tired, and to each of those people he wished an extra good day to. He could pick out the people who weren’t having good days.

And that’s when he met a very odd sad person. This person wouldn’t look him in the eyes, and seemed to be nervously holding his breath. He had a lot of piercings that Clear wanted to ask about, but something about this particular person made him not want to say too much.

 

“Would you like to use debit or credit?” Clear asked, as he did with every customer.

 

There was a long pause before the man looked at Clear and murmured what Clear thought was debit. He went with that, and while the transaction was processing, he took a moment to say something.

 

“You don’t seem to be having a good day. I hope that will change,” he said, offering the man a warm smile.

 

The thing that had struck him as the most odd and unsettling is how the other reacted. He was quiet for a while, not looking at Clear, and then he just murmured a ‘thanks’ before leaving as quickly as he could. While Clear was incredibly confused by that reaction, he decided that it was just a way of reacting to emotional stress. It was just a human thing. It didn’t take him very long to get back on track and focused. His day went by quicker after that point, and before he knew it his shift was over at it was five p.m. That gave him time to go walk around town and then spend some time reading at home before bed, and he smiled to himself as he changed into his normal clothes. He loved his life, even if there was many things that he could be unhappy about.

 

-

 

It took Noiz a very long time to get himself together after going to the grocery store. During that period of time, he was bothered by wave after wave of anxiety and self-hating thoughts. He would get up to try and get something to eat or get a glass of water, and then some bad thought would come and wash over him and he’d go back under his blankets for another twenty minutes. By the time he was able to sit up and not feel his bones aching to lay back down, it was dark out. Noiz pulled his laptop close to him and opened it up, cringing at the brightness as he typed in what he needed to.

He wanted to find a way to fix himself. He knew it wouldn’t happen fast and that he could hurt everyone involved if he tried to fix things too quickly, but he didn’t care. He just needed some advice, needed to find a way to breathe when he saw a person. He could handle it if he could just figure out how to make his lungs work. He wanted to have friends, he wanted everything like that. Noiz spent three long hours researching, and fell asleep with his laptop still on and a plan.

He would make himself face his fear. He would go for a walk tomorrow and stay out for thirty minutes, no matter what. If he could last longer, great. But he knew he wasn’t going to last longer. He hardly survived the grocery store, which took an hour this morning but only because of how far away it was and really it was hunger driving him then. This was something he had no reason for doing besides… Besides… He had no reason for doing this. He just wanted to feel better. He wanted to be _normal_ , and he wanted to feel _human_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one feels shorter and a little bit less great because its mostly just the day from clear's perspective but i thought it would be nice to have background on clear idk   
> i probably wont edit any of this but go me i just updated twice in like what. two days? god damn


	3. Deep Breathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> noiz comes to the realization that he can maybe kind of do this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops its been a week  
> i got sick and then also kinda forgot i was writing a fic   
> sorry if this is bad im super tired and i didnt edit this

It was only when Noiz had stepped outside and locked the door behind him that he realized that this was not going to be an easy or pleasant experience. Reason A: He was terrified of people still and he had no friends. Reason B: He was an asshole who didn’t know how to talk to people and therefore didn’t know how to make friends.

He decided that his first goal was not to make a friend by the time he reached the stairs. He decided that he would buy a book or something and he would just sit outside for a few hours. Just being _around_ people was taxing enough. Sitting outside would be a perfect first step. He’d bring his laptop next time. He didn’t want to go back and get it in fear that if he stepped inside his apartment he wouldn’t step back out for months. He hadn’t read in a while, but he was sure that if he found something nice then it would be fun. Plus, bookstores were supposed to be relaxing. He could hide away for a little while when there was no one in an aisle, at least.

He was able to drown himself in his thoughts for the first half of his walk, but once he had ran out of things to think about there was suddenly nothing to do. The scenery was too boring, he had already memorized it. There weren’t any people out for him to stare at and try to analyze. The bird weren’t even out to sing their stupid, annoying songs. How uninspiring. He let out a sigh and ran his fingers through his hair, licking his lips as he glared at his surroundings. He needed chapstick. And gum. He was biting his nails too much recently, and he licked his lips whenever his nails were too short. At least he wasn’t messing around with his lip piercings. He’d be fucked if those things started to reject.

  
Just as soon as he started to delve back into his thoughts, he realized that he was coming up to a small family-owned kind of bookstore. He wasn’t really looking for any specific bookstore, and honestly he only knew where the grocery store and pizza place were, so it’s not like he knew exactly where to find anything. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he walked closer to the store, trying to nullify the anxiety digging underneath his bones and settling inside of his most sensitive parts. _Fuck anxiety_. He opened the door with hands that shook much more than they needed to, and walked inside before he could start thinking of reasons and excuses not to. He let out the breath that he had been holding, feeling almost like he had climbed some figurative mountain.

  
He managed to wave politely to the cashier who had greeted him. He took in another deep breath, then made his way over to the first row of books. He let that breath out as he picked up a book, reading the summary on the back as he breathed back in, letting it out as he picked up a different book, and repeating. Slowly, his hands stopped shaking. Eventually he found a book with an interesting summary, and when he read the first few pages, he was hooked. Within thirty minutes he found two more good books, and he slowly made his way to the counter. He got out the money he would need, and licked his lips again as the cashier looked at the books he picked out.

“You know, this one is part of a series. This is the first book, and the other books are just as good,” the cashier said.

Noiz wasn’t sure if the cashier was just making conversation or if he was trying to get him to buy more things.

“Really? I’ll, uh, read the first book and if I like it, I’ll come back and buy the rest of the series,” he managed to reply, and the cashier smiled.

“Yeah. This is my favorite job, because when no one is here I get to read as much as I want. I’ve read, like, a fourth of the books here? Most of them are pretty good. I think you’ll like these books.”

Noiz thought that the cashier’s voice was surprisingly soft and oddly comforting. Maybe it was just the fact that the guy was smiling at him. This was the kind of conversation he needed. It was much more encouraging than his walk here.

“It sounds like it would be a nice job. I work from home. Sometimes it’s hard to get out,” Noiz explained.  
“That’s a shame. At least you picked a nice day to go outside. Are you headed to anywhere in specific?”

“Not really. Are there any good spots to read?” Noiz asked, feeling his anxiety starting to drip out of his bones and let him breathe easier.

“Hmm. I’d suggest some kind of cafe. There’s really great atmosphere in those places. Plus, these family owned places make great coffee and they have lots of stories to tell. Either that, or find somewhere with a lot of busy people. Find some random bench to sit on. The world is a nice background sound.”

Noiz thought about his options. He _did_ like coffee, but he wasn’t really looking to talk to anyone in particular. He just wanted to be around people. This conversation was enough to make him miss his bedsheets, as nice as it was.

“Thanks for the advice. I’ll see you later, maybe. I should get going,” Noiz said, managing a moment of a forced smile for the kind cashier.

The cashier waved to him and Noiz left somewhat quickly, eager to find the cafe where he could drown out the world and his thoughts. He felt the shakiness come back as the crowd started to thicken around him, and soon he was nearly lost in a sea of people. What a nightmare, he thought to himself. People surrounding him, pushing past him and there was no way for him to get out of the crowd… He wanted to lie down. He managed to get downtown without hyperventilating and passing out, luckily.  
He followed the scent of coffee until he found himself in front of a small shop with a few people inside. He considered just sitting outside for a brief moment, but then the idea of warm coffee and a more comfortable seat lured him inside. His hands were shaking when he opened the door, but he guessed that it was just natural by now. When he stepped inside, he started to practice his deep breathing again. The person at the cash register looked nice. They were smiling. He could handle ordering. No one would hurt him. He’d be fine.

“How may I help you today?” The person asked.

“Uh. What tastes best?” Noiz tried.

“Hmm. In my opinion, anything from the latte section, and then the mint tea is nice. All of our food is great, especially the sweets.”

Noiz nodded and looked over the menu again before deciding on a mint chocolate latte and a doughnut. He sat down at the counter, figuring that he would take up the least room if he sat there. And who knows, maybe someone decent would sit next to him, or maybe one of the employees would like to talk a lot more than listen. Even if not, he was still making progress. He felt really good about that fact. Soon enough, he was comfortable and reading his book, and someone handed him his coffee.

“There you go,” they said, and Noiz looked up to see someone with blue hair.

“Oh, uh… Thanks,” he said.

“No problem,” the blue haired person, Aoba, according to his nametag, said.

Noiz felt like he had just met someone that would be important. It was nothing like when he met that really beautiful cashier named Clear (if he could remember correctly), but… It was just a suspicion. For now, though, Noiz was too tired to talk. He opened up his book and focused on reading the first page, still practicing his deep breathing and taking the occasional sip of his coffee. This wasn’t _too_ bad. He could get better if this was all it would take.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woah guess what other gay loser is here now??? aoba!! this is not a coffee shop au tho this is still noicle  
> aoba will just eventually help noiz get the robot d-- i m ean  
> m ake friends with the robot and date him yeah thats totally what i mean t....  
> also just so u know the person at the bookstore is not important but the bookstore will be an important place (another gay loser will be there soon)


	4. Talking is Difficult When You're a Loser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> noiz has to deal with talking to people and dealing with a really hot robotic cashier that he doesn't fall in love with at first sight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit more swearing in this chap but lets be honest noiz probably swears like crazy irl

It took a long time for Noiz to get to sleep later that night. His mind was racing with various types of thoughts, but most of them were actually nice. He was shaky and tired and he kind of felt like he had spent the day running a marathon, but he felt a weird kind of content warmth in his stomach. He couldn’t put a label on the feeling, but he liked it. It made him feel like it was worth going out. His mind had no way to pick apart everything, because all of his interactions went well and he had a great time… His one worry was still the same, though. Would he be able to do it tomorrow?

Where would he go? He couldn’t go to the same coffee shop and stay as long. They’d think he was weird or try and say he was loitering. Maybe he’d go to a different one, or maybe he could go to the bookstore later in the afternoon and ask for the next books in that one series that he had been told about. He could go for a walk through the busiest parts of town and then just sit out on one of the benches somewhere. Or… He could always stay in.

His mind had his thoughts twisted around that one part of everything. The thing that he probably didn’t need to think that much about was the focus of his entire mind at the moment. The fact that he didn’t need to worry about it just made him sick to his stomach. Once again, his mind managed to make him feel like shit in every single way, and suddenly, what he had done felt like nothing and he felt like he couldn’t do anything again.

He fell asleep curled up into a ball and biting his lip hard enough to make it bleed. He was had been biting back tears since he had thought about staying home.

 

-

 

The next morning, he woke up early and with a sluggish grogginess weighing him down. He showered slowly and ate lightly, grabbed one of the books he bought, and forced himself out before he could start thinking. He had only briefly thought about bringing his laptop, but he had changed his mind because it probably would make him look a bit more sociable if he was just reading. He wasn’t quite thinking about where he was going, but he figured that he would just end up somewhere and he’d go with it.

His hands were shaking again, but he was running off of the fear and bad emotions at the moment. He couldn’t focus on anything, he was too nervous and too jittery, and after about ten minutes outside, he had to force himself to stop and just breathe. He would run himself down if he kept acting like that. He always had to have a plan, at least for now. He needed to have control over himself. He needed to make sure that he was just tired and not wide awake because he was scared. He had to work hard and believe that it would all pay off in the end. God, he felt fucking pathetic.

Sitting there, trying to coach himself to think nice things. He felt just as awful as he probably looked. He started to walk again, this time much slower as he tried to think about where he should go. Maybe he could go buy something to snack on or just walk through the aisles at the grocery store. He probably overdid it yesterday, he had been out for at least two hours. If he could get an hour or maybe even thirty minutes outside, he would be fine. Then he could go back home and nap, and maybe try and code or do something like that.

 

-

 

At the store, things went a lot better. He was calm enough to make eye contact with a few people and not self destruct, and by the end of his searching, he had found a few things worth buying. Though, he had forgotten about the fact that paying for things was a thing. He hesitated and considered putting everything back, but before he really knew it, he had gotten into a line.

And then another realization washed over him. There was a certain person at the cash register, and that person was a person who had convinced him to get over his fear by just smiling at him. Suddenly, he was fourteen again and his heart was racing and his palms were starting to sweat and _holy fuck_. He had feelings for a cashier that said less than twenty words to. He took a few deep breaths and tried to convince himself that he was only nervous because this person had made him feel normal enough to go outside, but he had read enough to know that this happened when you felt certain ways about someone. Honestly, this was the last thing he needed…

He had somewhat gathered himself together by the time he reached the cashier. This time, he took notice of their name. Clear… Weird. Kinda cute. He managed to make his face not look as displeased as usual as he went through normal grocery store etiquette. Then, there was a moment where the purchase was processing and the groceries were being bagged.

 

“It’s a nice day out today,” Noiz forced out while it would still seem normal for him to talk.

 

“It is! I wish I could be outside, but someone has to do my job,” Clear said, and Noiz had to force himself to not feel or think anything cliche. Clear’s voice was not melodic, was not soothing to his ears, and definitely was not something that he wanted to hear more often because _fucking hell_ he was _not_ lame enough for that.

 

“That’s a shame. I’m probably going for a walk, but then I have to go home and work as well,” Noiz said.

 

“Well, at least you tried to get outside!” Clear said, and then read off the price for how much his total was, closing off the acceptable window of conversation.

 

Noiz paid for everything and left with a few bags in hand, and this time, headed straight for his house. He felt weird, like what had happened had been like a dream and it didn’t happen. It was too casual, it felt forced. He wondered if Clear had thought the same thing. Probably not. It was probably a weird thing that had to do with his issues. God damn. He needed a cup of coffee and a few hours of doing nothing. He didn’t even get to read his book… This would be frustrating as well as exhausting, it seemed…

He arrived home soon enough and made himself a pot of coffee before returning to his room. That’s where he spent the rest of the day, mostly quietly reflecting on things.

 

\---

 

Somehow, two weeks passed by, much quicker than Noiz had thought they would. He had gone outside every morning for at least an hour, and he managed to go out a couple of nights as well. He was certainly feeling less exhausted when he had to go outside, but that didn’t mean he was necessarily cured. The fact that he still could hardly hold a brief conversation was the part he needed to fix the most, and that was the thing he hadn’t even tried to work on. He just wanted to be able to go outside and not feel like he would be ready to sleep for days on end after he got home.

But, now the idea of conversation was on his mind. Especially because he had gone to the grocery store a few more times and every time he went, that one cashier just kept getting more and more fuckable (he used that term because it made him be able to pretend that it was just physical attraction and he would definitely say no if Clear asked him on a date). He wasn’t quite sure how to work on getting better and more okay with talking to people, though. If he got too deep into a conversation and panicked and left, he could never go back there again. Though, the last thing he wanted to do was tell anyone about his issues.

Eventually, he found himself at the coffee shop where had gone on his first real venture out. He sat in a different spot than last time, but he was still at the counter and he could still hold a conversation with a barista and maybe he could do this. He wasn’t sure how long he could go without stuttering and falling apart because he stuttered. But, he had to do it.

Sometimes, he hated his life in a way that wasn't bitter. It was a mostly sad, mostly tired kind of hate. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok but like midterms r coming up soon and if i disappear for a few weeks i promise that its not me abandoning this fic its me dying from the stress of studying at the last minute


	5. God Dammit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> noiz fucks up in many, many ways

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> many swears in this, but that's normal. also beware of secondhand embarrassment and noiz feeling really shitty but not for the usual reason

Noiz had a dream a few nights later. Now, for most people that wasn’t unusual, because dreams were a part of normal sleep. Noiz knew that, but it wasn’t like he ever had good dreams or dreams that he remembered. But this dream was something he would remember for a very long time, and not for any good reason. He had kind of… Sort of… Maybe had a, uh, _special_ kind of dream about that hot cashier… It was really fucking kinky, too. God damn it. Now he had to wash his sheets _and_ deal with the fact  that he had his first wet dream about a stranger who he definitely did not have a huge crush on. He felt like he was twelve and starting to go through puberty again. Except, this time he had no excuses.

When he got up, he gathered his sheets and walked to the washer, spewing a stream of curses in both German and Japanese. He got out of his boxers and t-shirt and threw those into the wash as well, and while he was still angry he started the wash and went into the bathroom to take a shower. He scrubbed himself hard enough to turn his skin red, both because he was mad, but also because he was embarrassed and wanted to forget that dream. It had been so detailed and it had felt so good that it was disappointing to wake up.

As he thought more about it, he just got more embarrassed. He had been on the bottom… And after everything had finished up, they cuddled. Thinking about it made his lungs tighten up and his stomach felt really weird. If it had just been a quick fuck than it wouldn’t have mattered, but it had been so fucking romantic. He couldn’t deny it now, he had more than just sexual feelings toward the cashier. And they hadn’t even said thirty words to one another. His mind was taking things too far, and he wanted to stop it but he had no idea what he could do at this point. He hadn’t ever felt like this before. It made him never want to go outside again, which was really counter-productive in terms of his recovery. He wished he could just… Feel like a normal person.

It was either nothing or everything, and that wasn’t normal. He wanted to be normal again, no matter how much pain it brought onto him. He wanted to hold conversations with people and feel it when someone bumped into him and, fuck, he was crying. God dammit. This is why he hated dreaming. He started to take deep breaths while thinking about the brighter side of everything; he was getting there. He had a crush on someone, which was normal. It didn’t matter if his crush was a stranger. He was angry with himself, he was embarrassed. Both feelings were normal. He could become normal again.

He got dressed quickly once he had gotten out of the shower and dried off. He wasn’t going to go out today, or at least he wasn’t planning on it. Honestly, who would go out after a morning like his? He just wanted coffee and some pizza. He curled up under a clean blanket with a box of stale pizza and a cup of coffee close enough for him to reach for, and that’s where he spent the next four hours.

Eventually, he decided that he might as well go out while he was feeling decent and the sun was still up. He crawled out of bed and slid a hoodie on, not caring that he looked like the trashy teenager he really was. He ran his hands through his hair, deciding that everything was fine as he stepped outside. He went to where he always went when he went out; the cafe in the middle of town.

He realized that it would be dark out by the time he left the cafe, but he didn’t care. Just as long as he didn’t lose his interest in getting better, he would be fine. It wasn’t like the dark would hurt him. It would probably make things easier, actually… Whatever. It was too late for him to think about stuff like this. He ended up at the cafe sooner than he thought he would be, and it was only when he sat down did he realize something that would have made him go back home right away.

Clear was in the cafe. Sitting two seats away from him. Clear was sitting two seats away from him. Talking to Aoba. Clear was… Sitting… Next to him…

For an entire thirty seconds, Noiz’s entire mind melted. But, Aoba noticed him and said hello, and that was forced him to get his shit together. He couldn’t handle this. He was going to die. Clear was going to say hi to him and he was going to die. He took a deep breath and said hello back to Aoba, then glanced at the white haired man and waved. Fuck, his hands were shaking.

 

“Hi! I’ve never seen you around here before,” Clear said.

 

“Mmh, yeah. Noiz comes in in the morning, when you’re working,” Aoba explained as he made Noiz’s usual.

 

“Yeah. I work from home,” Noiz said simply as he tried not to hyperventilate.

 

“Oh, wait, I think I’ve talked to you before. You came into my line once or twice at the grocery store,” Clear replied.

 

“I remember that, yeah. No wonder I haven’t seen you here before,” Noiz deadpanned, watching as the coffee brewed because he couldn’t handle seeing that smile. Not after seeing it in his dreams.

 

“You don’t seem like you go out very much,” Aoba commented.

 

“I don’t,” Noiz said shortly.

 

“That’s no fun! Maybe you should come out with us next time Aoba and I go out with some of our friends,” Clear suggested.

 

“Clear, you don’t just ask strangers out to drink with you,” Aoba scolded.

 

Noiz hesitated, but before he could think properly and hold back his words, he said,

 

“No, I don’t mind it. I’d love to go out sometime. I’m kind of new here and haven’t made many friends.”

  
Clear smiled. Aoba raised his eyebrows at them both. Noiz managed a smile for a few moments. He fucked up. Really bad. Really, really bad. He couldn’t handle a night drinking with a bunch of strangers. He couldn’t back out. He couldn’t just not show up. _Shit_. He fucked up _really_ bad this time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who has a midterm tomorrow but instead of studying wrote this   
> did you guess me   
> you're right  
> excuse me if that was shitty and i know that it was short but i tried ok   
> sob


	6. Drinking is Fun!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> noiz gets drunk (he's such a lightweight) and feels much more than he can comprehend

Alcohol was not something Noiz had ever experienced before. As he arrived at the bar and found the booth that Aoba, Clear, and some other guys were sitting at, he realized that he would be getting wasted. Probably. Aoba and Clear wanted him to sit in between them, which he was a little confused by. It was nice of them to do that, though. Even if it confused him, it made him feel much more relaxed. He didn’t join in the conversation, but he thought he was doing enough by just being around this many people and watching. He had a drink, but that hardly relaxed him at all. Probably not strong enough. He was scared to get drunk. Clear eventually nudged him with his elbow, and quietly asked if he was okay.

 

“What? Yeah, of course,” Noiz replied.

 

“Well… I noticed a few days ago that you seemed to be the kind of really anxious person,” Clear responded.

 

Noiz stayed quiet for a few moments. So… It had been that obvious? God, he was so bad at this kind of shit…

  
“Yeah. Sorta,” he said, taking in a deep breath before continuing. “I think I’ve got anthropophobia. I guess it’s sometimes called social anxiety. I don’t know.”

 

“That sounds really awful… It’s good that you try to get out, though!” Clear said, and Noiz couldn’t stand to look at him because he sounded so _genuine_.

 

“I guess so. It’s alright. I’ve dealt with worse, probably,” Noiz murmured, trying not to curl in on himself so much, but it wasn’t easy.

 

“I’ve heard rumors that you’re new here?” Clear asked. Noiz picked up that he was trying to make conversation, and his everlasting frown lightened up a bit.

 

“Sorta. I’ve been here for at least four months, by now. I think that makes me new.”

 

“I’d say so. Have you gone out to many places in town? If not, you really should, there’s a bunch of really nice places that you would probably like. Most places are quiet.”

 

Noiz was sure that he was getting sick. It was hard to breath, and he felt a tight warmth spreading through him, starting at his stomach. His hands were even slightly tingly, and that was the least likely place for him to feel. This was weird. He didn’t know why he felt like this. It was almost too much. He wanted to feel normal, but what even was normal? Normal to him was nothing, and that meant that right now he felt so fucking weird. No one felt like this, he was sure.

 

“Hey, Noiz,” Clear’s gentle voice prodded at his negativity. “We can step outside for a few minutes, if you need a break. I’ll buy you another drink and we can stay out until you feel calm.”

 

Clear was an angel. He had to be, no one should be able to make Noiz feel this way, but Clear was something unnatural and so it made sense. Before he could make up his mind, Noiz had agreed to it and was standing outside and had a drink in his hand. It was somewhat sweet, but it still burned when it went down. It was nice. It was quiet for now, Clear was watching the stars and Noiz couldn’t keep his eyes off of him.

 

“...You’re unbelievable,” was the first thing that Noiz could manage to say.

 

“Hm?” Clear asked, obviously confused.

 

“You’re so nice. You empathise with everyone so well. You know how to handle people like me. You have to be unreal,” Noiz said, his words falling out before he could stop anything.

 

“Ah…” Clear hummed, and he stayed quiet for so long, Noiz was afraid that he’d fucked up already. Just as he was about to apologize and run off, Clear continued, “I guess you’re not really wrong. It’s part of my programming. I’m… Well, I’m not the same as the other’s like me. I was reprogrammed to be a person that helped others, sort of.”

 

It took a minute for Noiz to realize that Clear had just indirectly told him that he was a robot. Usually, he would have been able to realize that Clear was a robot the second he saw him, but he hadn’t been in his right mind for a long, long time.

 

“Oh…” Noiz could only say that.

 

“So… Tell me about yourself. Where did you grow up?” Clear asked, quite obviously changing the subject. Noiz didn’t mind.

 

“Germany. I come from a rich family.”

 

“I bet you probably don’t get along with them, though.”

 

“Not entirely… I don’t blame them for how I am, though.”

  
“If you did, you would most likely have every reason to. Most people don’t just get anthropophobia. It’s not something that people are born with, it’s developed.”

 

“I know.”

 

There was a little pause. Noiz felt the tingling come back, but this time everything was in his stomach. It felt warm, too. He didn’t understand it.

 

“It’s a good thing that you decided to come out with us tonight,” Clear was quieter now.

 

“...I guess,” Noiz wasn’t sure, and he voiced that.

 

“I’ll help you, if you want,” Clear offered.

 

“You don’t even know me,” Noiz sounded defensive, and he didn’t like that, but it was too late now.

  
“I know.”

 

It was Noiz’s turn to watch the stars. He finished off his drink as he thought about… Everything.

 

“I’ve heard that it’s easier with support,” Clear tried.

 

“I… I just want to be normal.”

 

And that’s when he realized that the alcohol had affected him. Apparently, that drink had a higher alcohol content than he thought. The drink from earlier had probably helped a little, too… Shit. Was that where the warmth came from? Or was that just nerves? He needed to backpedal, but it was too late. He was already falling down faster than he could ever hope to control.

 

“You are. You’re human, so you’re normal,” Clear said.

 

“I’m hardly human. I don’t feel things. You could burn me and I wouldn’t feel a thing,” Noiz said.

 

Clear obviously didn’t know what to say to that. Noiz felt defeated.

 

“You feel warm right now, don’t you?” Clear asked.

 

“Well, yeah. But that’s because of the alcohol..” Noiz said, confused.

 

“You can feel something, then. And when you’re walking into somewhere new, when your chest feels tight and you feel lightheaded, that’s anxiety. You might not be able to feel _everything_ , but you can feel some things,” Clear pointed out.

 

It was Noiz’s turn to be stumped. He couldn’t argue with the other, both because he was probably drunk and because Clear was right.

 

“You can’t have a fear of people and feel nothing,” Clear added on.

 

Noiz just stared at the robot for the longest time. The robot (Noiz was having a hard time not calling him an angel, still) just smiled at him.

 

“You’re so much more human than me. It’s almost unfair,” Noiz murmured.

 

“You have a pulse,” Clear reminded him.

 

“That doesn’t really matter.”

 

The white haired male laughed. Noiz felt like he wanted to cry. He felt like he was going to explode. He _felt_ like he needed to sleep for at least a year. He felt so fucking much. He never wanted to drink again, and he wanted to kiss Clear hard enough to make his lips bruise.

He was a wreck.

 

“You should get drunk more often,” Clear suggested.

 

Maybe, Clear didn’t mind that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn someone open a window there's too much gay in this chapter  
> also just wait a few chapters and you'll know why clear was so eager to help noiz  
> this is also so unbelievably unedited oops


	7. Hangovers Are Not as Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> noiz realizes how fucked he is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> noiz pukes but like not in detail and he's unhappily hungover and unhappily crushing so enjoy

The first thing that he felt when he woke up was how much of a raging headache he had. The lights were off, and the shades were closed. He was in his bed, tucked in. He could smell food. No matter how much it hurt his head to be concerned, he was. How the fuck did he-- No, it would probably be much better to ask who the fuck brought him home. Probably Clear. Wait, shit. Did that mean Clear saw his wreck of a house? He didn’t remember giving Clear his address… He probably did when he was drunk. Fuck. This was a really shitty day already. He was too sweaty for nine in the morning.  

He got up as quickly as he could handle, and as he did that, he realized that he had a stomach ache. A really bad stomach ache, and it was kinda making his mouth water. He felt weirdly cold all of a sudden…

Oh. Shit. He was gonna fucking puke.

 

-

 

After a slightly awful incident where he had his face in a toilet bowl, most likely spilling out all of his internal organs, he managed to get out into the kitchen. Suddenly, the breakfast on the table looked disgusting and also the most delicious looking thing he had seen in a long time. Groaning quietly, he picked up the note left on the table that had surprisingly pretty handwriting.

 

‘I hope you can stomach this breakfast I made. If not, put it in your fridge and just take the aspirin on the table, along with the orange juice. It helps, trust me.

 

Also, I had a really nice time last night. You got really drunk, if you couldn’t tell. I took you home because you couldn’t really walk more than a few steps, but don’t worry, I don’t mind how messy your house is. If anything, it fit you. Anyway, you should call me or email me sometime. We could go out again, but maybe this time not get as drunk.

 

Talk to you later, hopefully. -Clear’

 

Ah, fuck. Clear was way too sweet. He could feel his teeth rotting. He sighed softly, flipping the card over and seeing both an email address and a phone number. He bit his cheek, refusing to let himself be that pleased about this. He put the food in the fridge and happily took the aspirin, then he went to lay back down. He had the note in his pocket, keeping it for when he could handle looking at bright things without wanting to gouge his eyes out. For now, he buried himself under as many blankets as he could handle and quietly told the entire universe to fuck off. He fell asleep with a scowl (probably) carved onto his face.

 

-

 

Three hours later and Noiz could manage to get on his laptop. And what was the first thing he did? He sent an email to Clear, originally three pages long until he could get it down to a long paragraph. Talking about how he was sorry for how drunk he got, to ignore all the stupid things he probably said, that he would love to go out (for drinks, or anything else) with him, and he had a nice night, too.

Of course, he regretted every word of what he said as soon as it sent, but that was normal. He reread it three times, and more and more criticisms piled up in his mind each time. Clear probably knew about his “crush”. That just made most things worse. God, he was so dumb. He should have never left his hou-- Clear replied. He read it as quickly as he could comprehend and a stupid smile stretched across his face. Clear thought that he had acted normal (for a lightweight, but he ignored that teasing bit because that was too embarrassing to imagine), and if anything it was endearing. He wanted to go out again as soon as possible.

Noiz felt far too much, far too quickly, his head hurt, and he decided that it was probably the best to bury himself under his blankets while he tried to get over everything. It took a total of five minutes, and at the end of it all, he probably felt worse than when he woke up. But, that was Clear’s fault, not the alcohol. He rubbed at his face, and swore under his breath when he accidentally rubbed one of his piercings too roughly.

He got up and reheated that food Clear made him. It was really fucking delicious. Not helpful. He then went to take a long, burning hot shower He showered until he stopped thinking so much, and then when he got out he put on some sweatpants. He ordered a pizza, got a glass of soda, and everything else he needed to relax. Finally, he got his laptop and sat down on the couch in the living room, deciding that today he deserved a vacation day.

 

-

  
After a few days of emotionally preparing himself, Noiz mentioned to Clear that maybe they could go watch a movie or something with the group. Clear smiled at him and said that if he just wanted to go alone with him, that was okay. They didn’t need a big group to have fun. It was probably less fun that way, at least for Noiz. For the most part, the teen was left speechless. So, he just let out a hum of agreement that felt kind of rude, but Clear still smiled. Later in that week, Noiz found himself in a dark movie theater with a really hot robot next to him and he’d be a _huge_ fucking liar if he said that he didn’t hope they ended up making out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kinda shitty and i feel bad about this but it was mostly to build up for the gay that is coming soon


	8. Movie Theaters and First Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> noiz is a trainwreck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry that this is late i was just so unmotivated   
> also tbh during like half of this all i could think was "god damn theyre so rude for talking in a movie theater"

 

The bad thing about movie theaters was that it meant sitting still for at least an hour. Noiz could sit still in most situations. Coding was nothing, he could do it for hours on end. He could read for an hour or two, and sometimes he could handle watching TV. But, he never had been in a situation where he was being forced to sit next to a person he was in love with while also being forced to sit still. It was an awful predicament, honestly.

Most people would tell Noiz that, hey, at least he was seeing a movie with Clear! But, in all reality, if they weren’t making out or at least talking, it was just painful. He distracted himself for as long as he could with the popcorn in his lap, but he had eaten all of it before the previews were even finished. He was smart enough to not chug his soda, just in case he actually found the movie interesting. Or they ended up making out. He really wanted to make out. He eventually let out a somewhat heavy sigh and that got Clear’s attention, and now he had to answer what was wrong. Oops.  

 

“Nothin’. Just kind of tired and uncomfortable and shit,” he said.

 

“Even at a movie theater?” Clear asked, obviously thinking that Noiz had been talking about his fear.

 

“No, it’s not that… It’s just a weird thing. I’m fine,” Noiz tried to make it seem like nothing, because really, it was nothing. He was just feeling stupid things that he shouldn’t.

 

“Are you sure? We can step outside, if you want.”

 

Fuck. There was that tone, the tone that made him melt. He wanted to hear his name in that tone, he wanted to hear sweet nothings in that tone, and all of a sudden all he could focus on was wanting to kiss Clear.

 

“I’m fine in here.”

 

He didn’t sound it. The look on Clear’s face said so, too. Noiz frowned a little, starting to chew on his lip piercing.

 

“Why do you care so much about me?”

 

Red alert. He needed to shut his mouth, right now. He was stepping into ‘I’m going to regret this’ territory. Clear didn’t seem phased. Noiz was lucky.

 

“Because, you remind me of my grandfather.”

 

And, suddenly Noiz was lost again. From what he had heard, Clear’s grandfather was a great, kind man. Noiz had no idea why he was being put anywhere near such an adored man. Until, of course, Clear opened his mouth again.

 

“He picked me out because I had a different, kind face. He didn’t like people, or so he told me, and so he took me home because he thought maybe getting a robot would help him become better at handling them. He programmed me to be as nice as possible, and even though I don’t think I did much, he told me I helped him. When he was sicker, he told me that he wanted me to go on to help other people become happy. And, when I met you and you said you couldn’t handle people well… I just… I wanted to see if I could help you become happy.”

 

Ah. Shit. Noiz couldn’t take a breath, and his eyes were suddenly burning and…

 

“Clear… That was so fucking unfair,” Noiz muttered, turning away suddenly and hiding his face in his hands.

 

“Noiz?”

 

No one had ever sounded so sincere since his mother had told him he was a mistake. Noiz wasn’t sure how to handle that level of honesty, especially not when it was something so… nice. He took a few deep breaths, and eventually he could look at Clear again. He glared at him at first, but then he sighed softly and rubbed at his face, being cautious around his piercings. Clear had a confused expression on his face, and Noiz stood up and started to walk out of the theater, expecting to be followed. And he was, of course.

Noiz lead Clear outside and to a less crowded area of town, sighing as soon as they stopped walking.

 

“Why did you leave?” Clear asked.

 

“It’s rude as shit to talk during a movie,” Noiz lied, though it really was.

 

“Oh, right… Did you want to talk about anything?”  
  


“Uhm… Well, you see… Something about the movie theater made me really uncomfortable,” Noiz tried to explain himself.

 

It was obvious he was lying, and Clear picked up on it. Noiz was off his game today. Every time he went out, he entered a state of panic and unease. Today, he was gonna stop that.

 

“Look, okay. I like being around you. You’re fun and interesting, but that doesn’t mean you can fix me. I don’t know when I’m going to be better. I’m nothing like your grandfather, either. I’m not nice, I honestly deserve my situation. I’m not going to make your life better-”

 

“I didn’t say any of that,” Clear huffed. “I know I can’t fix you. I was with my grandfather for a long time, and he only wanted me at first to fix him. We both realized quickly that humans can’t be fixed by anything but themselves. But, they can be helped. You aren’t anything like my grandfather, but you are still human. And I was programmed to help humans.”

 

Noiz stared at Clear for a few moments, glaring hard at him as he tried to form an argument. But, then he came to a realization. Clear was right. So, he decided to respond in a much different way. He stepped forward and then grabbed hold of the robot’s shirt, pulling him in for a hard kiss. He was always one for impulses, after all.

Before the kiss could last for very long, he pulled back and realized that he had just kissed a really hot, loving robot. Well. He caught his breath and took a few steps back, biting his lip and then deciding that he was proud of what he had done. Clear was wide-eyed, confused, but he didn’t seem unhappy. That was a good sign, probably.

 

“Noiz, what was that about?”

 

“I like you. A whole fucking lot.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that got super gay super quick   
> also this chapter is a mess but so is noiz and thats ok  
> lmao i did a cliffhanger im an asshole


	9. Masks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> noiz is happy

 

“When did you ever stop wearing your mask?” Noiz asked.

 

“Well… The night we drank together, everyone was too drunk to remember what I looked like. But… When I’m around you, I get the same feeling I had when my grandfather was happy. I like you a lot, Noiz,” Clear said.

 

“I know,” Noiz murmured.

 

The whole kissing thing had gone fairly well. It had earned Noiz a date, which was where they were now. It was at Clear’s house. There had been a nice dinner waiting for him when he got there, and now they were settled down and watching movies. Noiz was still awestruck that he wasn’t slapped when kissed Clear.

No, instead he was brought into a warm house with nice food and a really nice to cuddle robot. Noiz could hardly believe that something made of metal could be so warm and so soft, but that was probably the fake skin and the fake muscles. There was an arm around his waist, a hand playing with his hair, and a movie that was dumb enough for him to not mind missing it. Really, he couldn’t have asked for anything better. Even making out didn’t beat this, as much as it grossed him out to admit. He sighed softly as he rested his head on the other’s shoulder, enjoying the closeness as he brought his hand up to pull one of Clear’s hands down so he could lace their fingers together. When they had gotten close enough to cuddle up like this, he had no idea. But, he liked it. A lot.

Eventually, Clear shifted, waking up Noiz slightly.

 

“It’s getting late,” Clear murmured.

 

“You’re kicking me out?” Noiz asked with a smile.

 

“If you want to go, yeah. Otherwise, I’ve got a big bed,” Clear offered.

 

“Mmh,” Noiz responded, forcing all the thoughts in his head to stop. “I’ll stay.”

 

Noiz briefly wondered if robots could get hickies. He would probably try that later. There had been a severe lack of kissing going on during this date thing. Noiz wasn’t about to get into Clear’s bed and keep his hands to himself. Besides, he was one of the few people he was comfortable with. Why not make the best out of that? Though, it would probably be nice to just sleep with the other, as in, next to each other and cuddling close. Clear kissed his forehead, and suddenly he was sleepy and kissing his neck lazily.

 

“Noiz… This is a start of a very good thing, I think.”

 

“It definitely is.”

 

-

 

The next morning consisted of Noiz grumbling and refusing to release Clear from his grip, a wonderful breakfast, and a quick kiss goodbye. Clear had to work. Noiz had to go back home. They were both smiling though. Though, Noiz would have denied it any day. The hickey on his neck said a whole lot more than he ever would.

 

-

 

Before long, weekly dates that were mostly at Clear’s house were a thing. And, at least once a week, Noiz went out to drink with Aoba and whatever group came along with them. Noiz was doing better. He was tired almost all the time, but he was doing better. He’d worry about feeling great while going out when he could talk to strangers by himself. Of course, there were a few days where he wanted to just lie in bed and not go out at all, but he ignored that and forced himself out. He had no idea that slowly his stress was building up, or… Maybe he did. He knew, very well, that he couldn’t keep on like this. He needed a break. But, he wasn’t willing to take one. It seemed like failure.

Luckily, Clear was slightly relaxing for him. At least, lying in the same bed and feeling the other’s hands in his hair was. And having his arms around him. And talking to him. Really, Clear could probably cure cancer with his touch. Noiz was beyond lucky to have stolen up such a precious piece of metal. At this point, they had actually started to call each other their partner, and sometimes Clear would call him pet names in public. Noiz did not blush. Much. Even that was a lie, honestly. Noiz had gone beyond weak for this boy. The worst part? He didn’t mind.

It wasn’t _love_ , mostly because he refused to use that word in the same sentence as his name or Clear’s. But, it was, at the same time. The blond knew it, too. He was smart enough to figure out his feelings at this point. He _loved_ Clear. And it wasn’t a desperate, needy love. It was something that would go for years and still burn as strong, he was in _so fucking deep_.

And another thing to note, he could feel? It was entirely weird and he wasn’t sure that it was still right because it always felt muffled and yet it was still really cool. He could tell when things were hot or cold or if he didn’t like a certain feeling or if he really liked a different feeling, and… Ah. Shit. He was healing, wasn’t he? Like, that emotional healing bullshit. Huh. He had always thought that it wasn’t possible for him.

  
Well. He hadn't known Clear then, as fucking stupid as that sounded. Really, he thought to himself, when did he ever get so sentimental? He was laying in his bed and thinking about how much he loved Clear and how much his life had gotten better. It was probably one of the dumbest things he had done, but it felt right. He was happier. Clear had helped him, and so had Aoba and many of the other people who he had come to know. Even if he was constantly stressed, it was okay. He had finally learned how to take his mask off and break the chains binding him. Fucking disgusting to think about, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so like its gonna end next chapter but probably not in the way u think it will   
> also i went back to school yesterday and just fuck me up tbh   
> this chapter is both like recap and filler and im kinda sorry but not   
> last chapter might be decent i have no promises to make to u lovelies


	10. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tbh this is the cheesiest ending ive ever done,   
> but,   
> the gays are happy and so am i

It had started out as a nice day. Noiz had spent the night at Clear’s house, again. When he woke up, Clear was making breakfast, which was unusual. He remembered for a moment that it was Saturday, and the robot always had Saturdays off. He hummed at the realization and nuzzled the pillow tiredly, then after a few more minutes, he got up. He stretched his arms and legs out before standing and stumbling into the kitchen. He felt a small smile come to his face as he walked up to his boyfriend (at some point during this mess, they had started calling each other that) and wrapped his arms around him. It was a cheesy move that Noiz would usually pretend to wretch over, but he was tired and it felt nice. Clear hummed happily, and that was enough to make Noiz stay for a while.

He had just nearly started to get tired again when Clear politely asked him if he could let him go. Noiz grumbled quietly, but complied nonetheless. Mostly because it promised food. He went to sit at the table, folding his arms up and resting his head on them. He watched Clear as he grabbed two plates and carefully moved the food onto them, then grabbed silverware before coming over. Noiz took a few moments to sit up properly, but once he did there was a plate set in front of him filled with delicious smelling food. He could tell his mouth was watering, and he mumbled a thanks to Clear before digging in. Clear just smiled at him and started to eat as well.

It was usually quiet whenever they had breakfast together, and today was nothing different. It was already decided that they would move to the couch after breakfast and watch whatever shows were on. They would end up cuddling it hadn’t already happened, and then, maybe, after a few hours they would get up and try to do something productive. Most of the time that just meant going for a walk or to get junk food from the nearest convenience store. Noiz had a small problem with a certain brand of chips. That problem was that they didn’t come in bigger bags.

Except, today when they settled down on the couch, something felt a little weird. Noiz felt tired still, and the arms that secured around his waist felt like they were irritating his skin. He didn’t want to be around people right now, and he frowned when he realized that. Why now? He loved Clear and being around him was usually so relaxing, but… Something was weird today. He didn’t move because if he did, he’d probably upset Clear. And then he’d be asked his least favorite question. ‘What’s wrong?’ He hated it, because even now he hardly ever knew. Maybe he just didn’t get enough good sleep, or something.

He was getting increasingly irritated,  though, and eventually he quietly got up and headed for the bathroom. Maybe a few minutes alone would be enough? Probably not. He’d just say that he forgot about some work he had to do and he’d go home. Yeah. No, that wouldn’t work. Clear knew he didn’t just forget about work like that. He sighed as he turned on the water, washing his face before deciding to go back out into the living room. He plopped onto the couch next to his boyfriend, glancing at him before staring straight ahead at the TV. Clear glanced at him, and Noiz could tell it was coming from a mile away.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

Fuck, he hated how sad Clear sounded. He shook his head, not wanting to see that Clear was upset. He didn’t want to talk, either. This wasn’t going to work like this. So many things were going to go wrong, so many alarms were going off, but Noiz couldn’t force himself to get out of this mood no matter what he did. This was one of those times where Noiz started to believe that he didn’t really deserve Clear.

 

“Are you in a bad mood?” Clear tried.

 

“Irritated,” Noiz murmured.

 

“Is it because of me?”

 

Noiz shook his head, gently nuzzling Clear after a moment.

  
“Nah. Just me,” he muttered.

 

“Oh… Well, uh… Why?” Clear replied, and something about that made Noiz’s anger flare.

“Why what?” Noiz replied.

 

“Why are you irritated?” Clear clarified.

 

“I don’t know. I just am,” he wanted to cringe at how rude he sounded.

 

“I’m sorry,” Clear sounded genuinely upset, and it made Noiz both angry as hell and sad.

 

“Just, stop that,” Noiz huffed. “Stop being so sad all the time.”  
  


“It’s not something I can really help…”

 

Everything that was telling Noiz to stop was muffled by his sudden irritation, and he realized that maybe he had really overdone the whole “forcing yourself to be social” thing. He bit his lip and let out a frustrated sigh, then soon after burying his head in his hands.

 

“I’m sorry,” he apologized.

 

“It’s okay,” Clear was quick to forgive him. “Just… Tell me what’s wrong?”

 

“I just-- I… I-I don’t know, Clear,” he muttered.

 

“Okay. When did  you start feeling so frustrated?”

 

“Just about as soon as we sat down.”

 

“Is it because you’ve pushed yourself too hard?”

 

“Probably.”

 

It was quiet for a little while and then Clear sighed.

 

“We knew it wouldn’t be easy,” Clear said with a soft, sad laugh.

 

“I’ll just… Go home, yeah,” Noiz said, moving to get up.

 

Clear stopped him by grabbing his hand and he realized that Clear was frowning and wouldn’t look at him. That wasn’t good. Noiz was almost scared by the time his boyfriend opened his mouth, thinking that maybe this might be the awful _talk_ that was always terrifying for him to think about. But, then, all of a sudden there were lips on his and Clear was kissing him hard and deep. He blinked, confused and a little bit in pain at first, but then he wrapped his arms around Clear’s neck and kissed back. After all, the robot hardly initiated this kind of thing.

He didn’t get it until about a minute into the kiss. This wasn’t his boyfriend trying to convince him to stay, it was something that would make him feel better. Noiz smiled a little when he realized that and wrapped his arms around his neck. After a moment or two, Clear maneuvered them so they could lie back on the couch without breaking the kiss.

Now, that was probably the part where Noiz kind of lost track of what his hands were doing and how he was supposed to handle these situations. Clear and Noiz hadn’t ever really full on made out ever, and Noiz decided to wing it, as per usual. However… The robot seemed to have a general idea of what to do, and that made him question a lot. Who exactly programmed all these robots? Ah, that would be something he’d figure out later. Right now he had figure out what the fuck Clear’s tongue was doing and why he liked it so much.

 

-

 

And somehow they ended up making out for an hour. Clear was embarrassed because it was supposed to be a cute and sweet thing, but Noiz just laughed at him and curled up against him.

That method wouldn’t work every time, and they both knew that, but.. This was enough to tell them both that, yeah, things would be okay. They would have issues and Noiz would have days where he might not come outside, but there was no more worrying about him going back to what he was.

 

“Clear,” Noiz murmured.

 

“Yeah?” Clear asked.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you, too.”

 

“You made me feel human again.”

  
“Ah, well. You made me feel human, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bLUH THAT WAS SO GAY BUT SO CUTE??  
> also i meant for there to be smut but as soon as i got to the part where maybe smut could happen i choked   
> for now, lovelies,   
> i have to say goodbye. ill see you during the next fic.

**Author's Note:**

> oh hi again i said that i'd write more free! stuff but i lied   
> i mean i might do some free! stuff but not until this fic is done  
> who am i   
> what is noicle  
> how do you write fanfiction  
> what   
> its 3 a.m goodbye


End file.
